Monday, May 21, 2018


One of the best things about kids is how funny they can be. Comedy writer James Breakwell knows a lot about having daughters — he should, he has four of them under the age of 8. He tweets using the name @xplodingunicorn, and often uses Twitter to share the conversations he has with this kids, especially his 5-year-old (or, at least, one who is five at the time of the tweet — not always the same daughter, given the dates of the tweets. Maybe 5 is just the funniest age?). The tweets often go viral, because of how hilarious they are. Here's a sampling of some of the best ones:

Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.

[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
5-year-old: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He's not. He's saving her life.
5: I'd rather die.

Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.

5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me: I read her the instructions.

Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.
5-year-old: Not again.

5-year-old: *won't get out of bed*
Me: I don't want to fight you every morning.
5: Then let me win.

5-year-old: Why can't dogs go to school?
Me: Dogs are animals.
5: They let in boys.

Me: It snowed last night.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.

Me: You're still in your pajamas.
5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.
Me: It's 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don't rush me.

Me: Why are you being mean?
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It's going to be a long night.

5-year-old: Can we have pizza?
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn't know that.

Me: Hurry.
5-year-old: I am.
Me: You're still in bed.
5: I'm sleeping faster.

5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.
Me: They are?
5: I thought you went to college.

5-year old: I'm not scared of monsters when I'm with you.
Me: Well, thanks.
5: They'll eat you first because you're fatter.

And from her older sister:

And from me:



  1. That five year old is going to be a force to be reckoned with. More of a force to reckon with.

    1. Mathematically, she'll be a force squared (or maybe cubed)!!

  2. These are great, thank you :)
    In our house, Ninjas didn't stand a chance, "someone else" always ate all the biscuits.

  3. What a scream. My young nieces and nephews have said some classic sayings.

  4. Ha ha, by the time James gets all four grown up, he just may understand women.

  5. These were great! The five-year-old quotes were almost enough for me to sign up fr twitter. Almost. ;)

    1. I only blog and watch youtube videos. That's plenty for me--too much. You Tube can be quite the rabbit hole for me--I can't imagine if I was on facebook, pinterest, instagram, twitter, and all the rest! I'd become a growth on my laptop.

  6. Ok thanks for making me laugh, children are so bloody funny

  7. Those are hilarious. At our house, it was "NOT ME" who ate the last of everything, or made a mess and didn't clean it up.

  8. The 5 year old is going to be doing stand-up some day.

  9. Dear Fishducky, I so agree with josh--that writer has stand-up comics in his family! You know I do think that maybe 5-year-olds have a wisdom that comes out as truly humorous to those of us who have lived a little! Peace.

    1. 5 year olds haven't yet experienced most of the bad parts of life!!

  10. Funny one.... I loved them--especially the 5 yr. old's thoughts.... ha ha ... Made me smile this morning --although I woke up grumpy because I didn't sleep well... This post made me happy again!!!! Thanks.

  11. My mom didn't seem to think that my sisters and I were funny. We probably weren't.


    1. Well, I certainly am. I'm not so sure about my sisters.


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