Follow

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

WOE BE UNTO WOMEN




(I didn’t write this.  It was sent to me by Melynda Fleury, who swears it’s true.  I originally published it in 2013.  The cartoons are new, as usual.)

I hate certain things. Pap smears, blood draws and mammograms, even though I haven’t had one yet but am told I have to get one, are just a few of these delightful women things that I despise. Oh, and let’s not forget the famous urine sample where I inevitably end up peeing on my hand more than in the infamous cup. I don’t have a hose to aim with, after all.

Anyway, I haven’t been in for the old crank and spank Pap smear in six years. After talking to my doctor and him informing me of all the fun I’m missing out on I decided to give it another go. I have not had much luck with these exams. The last one I had I bled like a stuck pig due to the brutality of the doctor that performed the atrocity, and the one before that, where they called me and asked me to come back in and have it done again as my sample had been lost.

On that particular occasion they made the mistake of having a young man call me. I was furious and as I am a bit of an ass I replied, “No thank you.” “You really should come back in just to make sure everything is OK,” the young imbecile replied, not knowing who he was dealing with.  “Tell you what, hero. I’ll come back in as soon as you let me take a pair of salad tongs and crank your penis open, shove a Q-tip up your pee hole and scrape it,” I replied, losing my temper just a wee bit.

“So we will see you next year?” He sounded a little scared and worried that I would follow through with my plan. “Sounds good,” I said and hung up smiling.

However, after six years I went back in on Friday.

They started out by asking me if the student that was with the doctor could perform the exam. I was a little worried but after the nurse said “It’s OK if you don’t want him to. He’s used to being told no...” I felt like a louse and agreed. After all, if he is going to be a doctor he needs practice.

After asking me all the usual questions about mom organs, lady bits and if I feel safe at home, the exam took place. I was actually surprised as the student was extremely gentle and the exam was virtually pain free except when the actual doctor, a woman, stepped in to check some stuff.

The woman doctor was a brute and basically tried to push my boobs through my back, and for some reason felt the need to try to insert her entire fist into my crotch.

So the great discovery is, when having to subject yourself to massive torture I highly recommend a male student. Women are vicious.

--Melynda Fleury

The cartoons are my offering:



















Somehow this seems to fit in here:
because it goes with thisclick here. 



       
 PMS jokes aren't funny, period----fishducky




15 comments:

  1. Years back I had the pap smear from hell. Yhe doctor very kindly decided to warm up the speculum - by running it under the hot tap. I am pretty certain the entire waiting room heard my shrieks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yikes! Could you walk normally afterwards?

      Delete
    2. My question's the same as River's. You can't exactly put a Band-Aid there!!

      Delete
    3. I didn't walk normally or with comfort for a while.

      Delete
  2. I really hate all those invasive tests which require me to be half naked and stared at. I'm told they're no longer done after age 70 unless the patient requests them. You can bet your last dollar I won't be requesting someone shove something where it doesn't belong. I don't mind having blood drawn though, I sat there last time and watched every drop get sucked into the four (FOUR!) tubes the nurse took from me. The results of all that testing were fantastic too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No one ever told me I had a choice. (Maybe because I had a mastectomy on one side.)!!

      Delete
    2. I think the choice is for women who have had problem free mammograms always.

      Delete
  3. I have been exempt from all those tests for 9 years. Loved the man o gram.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would love to see them invent a Manogram!!

      Delete
  4. One of Grandpa’s favorite patients told him, when she was 91, that she loved him and he was the best doctor in the world but that she would never come back to him again because no 91-year-old woman should have to undergo the indignity of a pelvic exam. He laughed and they hugged and she lived five more years. It’s one of my favorite stories he tells.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The worst part of my last mammogram was being told to put on that little flappy cape thingy, then GO BACK TO SIT IN THE WAITING ROOM, where "I think you should know that men sometimes accompany their wives, and sit out here." I BET THEY DO! Lucky for me, there must have been better spectator sports for the misters that day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have NEVER heard of someone being sent back to the waiting room in one of those paper dresses!! Are you sure Hick wasn't one of the technicians?

      Delete
  6. I make a visit every year. My tunnel inspector is a woman. Whats funny is when I come home from my visit, my husband is standing there with a grin on his face and says "well, did she ask for my number?" haha.
    Lisa

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Who are you married to, Groucho Marx?

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.