Wednesday, January 24, 2018


(Reworked from an October, 2015 post.  I'm still sore, tired & I'm old so this & the next couple of posts are from my archives.  As always, the cartoons are new.)

For those of you who don't know what a "Tom Swiftie" is, a definition: 
A play on words consisting of a made-up quotation followed by a punning adverb.

Got it?  Good.
Now onto my story:

Tom Swift thought that life was too difficult for him.  “There’s never a long period of sunshine for me,” he thought, darkly.   “I can’t even brush my teeth without dropping the toothpaste,” Tom thought, crestfallen. “My situation is pretty grave,” he said cryptically.   “I’m a broken man,” he cracked.  “I must have been cheated,” he recounted.  "I'm not even good at darts," he said, aimlessly.  “And what’s more, I hate math,” he added.

“My doctor’s rich—maybe he’ll loan me enough money to open a restaurant,” he thought with interest.  He made an appointment, went to his office & waited patiently.  The nurse called his name.  “I’m here,” said Tom, presently.  She asked him what his problem was.  “I pulled a hamstring,” he answered, limply, "and my elbow's so sore," he said, disarmingly, "that I couldn't tie my shoelaces," he went on, discordantly.

They went into the exam room.  "I'll just turn on this lamp," the nurse said, enlighteningly.  There was a window open.  “I feel a draft,” he said, coolly.  The nurse asked him to undress.  “I have no pants,” he said, briefly.  “I lost them in the stock market,” he speculated.  “I should have worn suspenders,” he upheld.  Tom looked out the window & saw a river.  “That’s a pretty brook,” he babbled.  “Fish seem to like me,” he said with baited breath. “You’ll have to excuse me.  I’m not myself today,” Tom said, being frank.

The doctor came in & Tom started to tell him his plans for the restaurant.  The doctor stopped him, saying “You’re just another gay stranger who wants me to loan him money.”  “I’m not gay,” Tom said with a straight face.  “And I’m not a stranger, I’m your mother’s brother’s father-in-law’s third cousin,” he said, relatedly.  “My side of the family lives mostly in California,” Tom stated, "but I have an aunt who lives in Brussels," he sprouted.

“Go ahead--I see myself as an open minded person,” the doctor said upon reflection.
“I originally thought I’d serve two minute eggs,” he whispered, softly.  “Then I changed my mind & decided on hamburgers & hot dogs,” Tom said, with relish.  “No fancy orange garnishes,” he told him, fruitlessly.  “It’ll be a small place, with several tables for two,” he said without reservation.  “I usually use only one herb when I cook,” he said, sagely.  “But sometimes I add a little sesame,” he said, openly.  “I guess I could spice it up a little if you wanted,” Tom said, gingerly.  "I would like to serve some candy or dessert," he added, sweetly.  "I like Easter candy," Tom peeped.  "Do you think we should serve martinis?" Tom asked, dryly.  "The waitstaff would take orders in ink, because you can't write with broken pencils," he said, pointedly.   "And I'd like to open it soon," he added, hurriedly.

“What experience do you have in business?” asked the doctor.  “I’ve had a lot of jobs--I’m just an average guy,” he answered, meanly.  "I've never been in the top ten of anything," Tom admitted, listlessly.  "I joined the Navy when I graduated high school," Tom said, fleetingly.  "I was in the Peace Corps," he volunteered.  “I once worked in an automobile muffler factory,” he said, exhaustively.  “They fired me from my job as a phone psychic,” he said, predictably.  “I was trained as an electrician,” Tom said, shockingly.  “I tried working at Minute Maid orange juice,” he told the doctor, concentrating.  “I taught at the university for a while,” Tom professed.  "I once worked at a dry cleaners, pressing clothes," Tom said, ironically.  “Now I write elevator music,” he noted, “and I used to feed the lions at the zoo,” he added, offhandedly.

“Do you think your restaurant could be a success?” the doctor asked him.  “I have no idea,” Tom replied, thoughtlessly.  "But it's a good time for new investments.  The stock market is strong again," Tom said, bullishly.  “We would be equal partners & if I die, you’d get everything,” he told him, willingly.  “Everything?” asked the doctor.  “Absolutely, totally, completely,” Tom uttered.

“In that case, I’d like to toast the two of us,” the doctor said warmly!!

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