Thursday, January 25, 2018


(Reworked from a 2015 post.)

I used to play golf every Friday with some of my friends.  We could still play--we’re still physically able to reach down & get the ball out of the hole--it’s just that getting up again has become difficult.  We played in an area that was long ago inhabited by an Indian tribe so Barbara gave the three of us “Indian” names.  She couldn’t ever remember where her ball landed so she called herself “Brain of Sieve”.   Charlene, who could spot (& remember) where anyone’s ball went was “Eye of Eagle”.  I, for some f***ing reason, became “Mouth of Sewer”.  I was never a great player, but I did speak fluent golf!!
Sometimes other friends would join us for 9-hole pitch & putt golf.  Our scores were recorded on the scorecard after our initials.  There was Amy, Barbara, Bernice, the “lene twins”, Char & Ar (who were not related but just happened to be named Charlene & Arlene) & me.  No matter how hard I studied, everyone else got an A, B or C & I always got an F.  Maybe I should have been an aardvark instead of a fishducky.

The pitch & putt course was near a home for retired actors so we saw a lot of celebrities playing there.  One day we were playing in a group behind Jack Nicholson.  He had forgotten his club & left it on the green.  I returned it to him & he smiled that devilish smile & touched me when he thanked me!!  I haven’t washed that shoulder since.  

Blake Edwards’ (the producer who was married to Julie Andrews) father was a regular.  I give him a lot of credit for playing--he was in his middle to late 80’s & you had to walk the course--but you didn’t want to play behind him.  His walk reminded me of Tim Conway when he used to do his “little old man” routine on the Carol Burnett show.  Fortunately, he would allow people to play through.

There were a bunch of  geezers from the actor's home who used to hang out there.  One of them had been ogling me.  He finally walked up to me & said, "You must have been really beautiful when you were younger."  (I was about 40 at the time.)  My question:  Do I thank him or punch out his lights?

Barbara & I & our husbands took an Alaskan cruise.  She & I played virtual golf on board the ship one day.  Assisting us was a prim & proper young British crew member, who will be known as Reggie.  (Let me explain what virtual golf is.  You swing a real golf club & hit what is essentially a “whiffle” ball.  The ball hits a screen showing a golf course.  Your ball shows up on the screen at the spot it “landed” on the course.  You hit your next shot from there.)  We played with borrowed, ill-fitting men’s clubs.  I hit my first shot & I can’t find it.  Reggie tells me, “Madam, it’s by the tree”.  Barbara hits hers & can’t find it.  Reggie says, “Madam, it’s in the sand trap.”  Reggie asks us if we've played before.  We tell him, “Of course--we play regularly!!”  I hit again.  He locates it.  Barb hits again.  “Madam, it’s behind the clubhouse.  Just hit it over the clubhouse.”  She hits it again & asks where it went.  A very exasperated Reggie sighs deeply & says, “Madam, I haven’t the vaguest idea!!”

Do you know what the ultimate “put down” in golf is?  “I’m sorry, but we already have a threesome.”

I wasn't normally a fan of David Letterman but I love this “Top Ten List”!!

10. A below par performance is considered good.
9. You can stop in the middle & have a cheeseburger & a couple of beers.
8. It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
7. Foursomes are encouraged.
6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
5. Three times a day is possible.
4. Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
3. If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
2. You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…
When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

True story:

Some professional golfer--I think it was Sam Snead--once had an interesting dream.  This is how I remember it:

He was playing in a major tournament.  He tees off on the first hole, a short par 3.  The ball drops in for a hole in one!  He thinks, "What a great start!!"  The 2nd hole is longer; a par 5.  He hits a powerful drive, which goes a little to the left.  It bounces off a tree & lands on the green, where it rolls into the cup.  He can't believe his luck.  Holes 3 through 17, all are somehow holes in one!! He tees up on 18, confident that he's about to get a score of 18 for the round.  He swings, hits & the ball heads straight for the flag.  It drops on the green & rolls toward the hole--& stops, 1 inch short.  He's going to get an unbelievable & never-before-made score of 19 for the day, but he had the same reaction as any golfer would have to that shot.  He said, "Oh, shit!!"
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" she said, to which Fred replied "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
 A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"

That was the last thing he could remember.
Moses, Jesus and God are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water hazard. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water hazard. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

God steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water hazard. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to God and says, "Dad, if you don't stop screwing around, we  
won't bring you next time."

I could never understand why I wasn’t asked to join the pro tour----fishducky