Honoring Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool--by removing themselves from it.
2018 Darwin
Awards
Karmic
Valentine Schadenfreude
2018 Darwin
Award Winner
(14 February 2018, Berlin) A 19-year-old and his
soon-to-be-ex were walking along the beautiful Havel River, quarreling. Unable
to win his conversational point, the frustrated man suddenly shoved the woman
into the icy river, jumping in to push her under again and again!!
But she could swim. He could not..
.
She swam safely to land and quickly recovered from
hypothermia. He sank and lost consciousness in the 2°C waters, forever
forgetting the quarrel, and was pulled out by water police and transported to
Charité Virchow Clinic in Berlin. The attacker fell into a coma, and an arrest
warrant was issued against him for "attempted homicide for low
motives" (in German, "Versuchten Heimtückemordes aus niederen
Beweggründen.")
The crime was committed on December 19th, and the
perpetrator died on February 14th--an ironic date indeed--from irreversible
brain damage.
Usually no Darwin Award is granted when an innocent
bystander is injured. In this case we make a rare exception, because the woman
fully recovered (and is perforce better off without this madman) while the
diabolical and drowned deed-doer was Darwinian-dumb.
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Abu Hamam
2018 Darwin Award
Winner
(30 January 2018, Gaza)
A sexagenarian was examining his personal weapon in his home when he
inadvertently discharged it into his face! Twenty-one days after accidentally
shooting himself, Abu Hamam, 62, succumbed to the self-inflicted head-bang and
died clutching a Darwin Award. But, who is Abu Hamam?
Abu is known to the
world as Imad al-Alami, a founding member of Hamas, a militant group that has
been the de facto governing authority of the Gaza Strip since 2007. Mr Alami
served as Hamas' main envoy to Iran, a military and financial backer, during several
wars with Israel. Although declared a specially designated global terrorist by
the United States, in recent years Abu Hamam was a key negotiator in Hamas
ceasefire talks with Israel, and in the 2011 release of a captured Israeli
soldier.
"Hamas was Abu
Hamam and Abu Hamam was Hamas," said Hamas Politburo Chief Haniyeh. One
would assume that a senior member of Hamas knows how to handle a gun--yet Abu's
incautious "personal weapons inspection" was unexpectedly daft. This
Darwin Award's for you, Mr. Hamam.
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Road-Rage-Aholics
2018 Darwin Award
Winner
February 2018, Poland)
Darwin Double! After a road collision near Stary Krzew, two men emerged from
their damaged cars and began arguing. The argument grew into a physical
fight...then shrank down to bloodstains on the asphalt when the men lurched
into the adjacent lane of traffic. A lorry weighed in on the fight, permanently
terminating the road-rage between a 29-year-old from Krakow and a 40-year-old
from Zambrów,
Victims of their own
aggression, the men are Poster Children for Meditation Outreach.
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Some survived:
Nine Small
Lines
2018 At-Risk Survivor
2018 At-Risk Survivor
(2 January 2018, Perth, Australia) Nine tourists, a hotel
room, a mail delivery of a plain package from a foreign country containing a
mysterious white powder labelled SCOOP. What would you do with mystery
powder?
No one had ordered the substance
delivery from New York and no one knew what SCOOP was yet they decided it
might be cocaine. The nine
tourist backpackers divided the powder equitably into nine small lines and did
something crazy! They snorted it.
Professor Steve Alsopp said, "When
you don't know what's in a drug, that will significantly increase the
risk." Words to remember! Hallucinations started straightaway,
faces felt like they were melting off, and within ten minutes most were
unconscious. Authorities arrived to find bodies everywhere, senseless or
suffering seizures. Apparently it was quite a sight.
Seven men and two women were sent
to three different medical facilities for emergency care. That mysterious
white powder, delivered by surprise to the residence, was Scopolamine. Also
known as Hyoscine, the drug is produced from plants of the nightshade family
and used to treat motion sickness and postoperative nausea and vomiting. It
is also used in crime to lower the ability of a victim to resist criminal aggression.
Six 'snorters' were released from
hospital the next day, and three remained under medical care. Each of the
nine knot-heads is headed for a Darwin Award. Until then, we salute their
addled spirit of adventure with an Honorable Mention.
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And from 2017:
2017 At-Risk Survivor
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