One of the best things
about kids is how funny they can be. Comedy writer James Breakwell knows
a lot about having daughters — he should, he has four of them under the age of
8. He tweets using the name @xplodingunicorn, and often uses Twitter to share
the conversations he has with this kids, especially his 5-year-old (or, at
least, one who is five at the time of the tweet — not always the same daughter,
given the dates of the tweets. Maybe 5 is just the funniest age?). The tweets
often go viral, because of how hilarious they are. Here's a sampling of some of
the best ones:
Me: What did you do at
school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
5-year-old daughter: Why
does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
3-year-old: Do boys like
Frozen?
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a
dinosaur.
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.
[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
5-year-old: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He's not. He's saving her life.
5: I'd rather die.
5-year-old: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He's not. He's saving her life.
5: I'd rather die.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the
one making the baby?
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me: I read her the instructions.
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me: I read her the instructions.
Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.
5-year-old: Not again.
5-year-old: Not again.
5-year-old: *won't get out of bed*
Me: I don't want to fight you every morning.
5: Then let me win.
Me: I don't want to fight you every morning.
5: Then let me win.
5-year-old: Why can't dogs go to school?
Me: Dogs are animals.
5: They let in boys.
Me: Dogs are animals.
5: They let in boys.
Me: It snowed last night.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.
Me: You're still in your pajamas.
5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.
Me: It's 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don't rush me.
5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.
Me: It's 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don't rush me.
Me: Why are you being mean?
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It's going to be a long night.
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It's going to be a long night.
5-year-old: Can we have pizza?
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn't know that.
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn't know that.
Me: Hurry.
5-year-old: I am.
Me: You're still in bed.
5: I'm sleeping faster.
5-year-old: I am.
Me: You're still in bed.
5: I'm sleeping faster.
5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.
Me: They are?
5: I thought you went to college.
5-year old: I'm not scared of monsters when I'm with you.
Me: Well, thanks.
5: They'll eat you first because you're fatter.
Me: They are?
5: I thought you went to college.
5-year old: I'm not scared of monsters when I'm with you.
Me: Well, thanks.
5: They'll eat you first because you're fatter.
And from her older sister:
And from me:
