(Reworked from my book, "Fishducky's Fables")
Once upon a time in a far away, long ago kingdom, Cinderella (a fairy tale name
meaning “Beautiful face but big feet”) lived happily with her mother and father
until her mother died of suffocation. Actually, Cinderella
(during a bedside vigil) inadvertently stood on her mother's oxygen hose.
Cinderella's father married a cold, cruel woman who was a hell of a cook. She had two
daughters, Pigface and the equally lovely Wartynose. When her father
died, strangely enough of food poisoning, Cindy's wicked stepmother inherited the house and turned it into a restaurant and Cindy into a waitress and a virtual servant.
Meanwhile, across town in the castle, the king felt that his
son, the prince, should find a suitable bride and provide him with a required
number of grandchildren. He invited every eligible maiden in the kingdom
to a fancy dress ball, where his son would be able to choose his bride.
Cinderella had no suitable party dress for a ball, but her friends (the mice
and the birds) lent a hand in making her one from fabric scraps they were able
to find. True, the style was lovely and the fit perfect, but the dress
was unwearable due to the large number of bird droppings on it. Piggy,
Warty and Mommy Dearest each selected a designer gown from their large closets,
had Cindy iron them, then called Uber and went to the ball. Cindy was
left at home alone to do her chores and she thought to herself, “This sucks!”
It was at this time that a creature appeared surrounded by a
ball of stars. When Cindy’s transition lenses adjusted to the sudden
brightness, she saw that it was a fairy godmother. Never having seen her
before, Cindy assumed that she was there to visit her stepmother and told her
that Mommy Dearest and the girls had gone to the ball. Her fairy
godmother said, “So what? I’m here to see you! Do you want to go to
the ball, too?” Cindy said that she would love to go, but that she hadn’t
a thing to wear. Her godmother asked, “Size 4, right?” and went back into
the ball of stars, singing “Cinderelly. Cinderelly, Comb your hair and wash
your belly”. She came out with a gorgeous floor length gown and a pair of
glass Jimmy Choo slippers to die for. Cindy put on the outfit and felt
like a princess, but then became sad again. She said, “I don’t have cab
fare to get me to the ball.” Her fairy godmother said that news didn’t
exactly come as a surprise and produced a Rolls Royce with a uniformed
chauffeur. She said, “Knock ‘em dead, kiddo! I promised the prop
department I’d get this stuff back to them by midnight, so come home early,”
and she disappeared.
Cindy went to the ball and had a marvelous time. Nobody
recognized her, because she had also washed her face, and she danced almost
every dance with the prince. She didn’t realize how late it was getting
and when she heard the clock begin to strike twelve, she ran out of the castle.
She stumbled on the stairs and one of her size 16 EEEE glass slippers fell
off. A guard found it later and brought it to the prince, who was frantic
because Cindy had left so suddenly. He asked, “Sire, shall we search the
kingdom for the damsel whose foot fits this shoe?” The prince said,
“Forget it. I must have been drunk. Who would marry a woman with
feet this size? Our kids would look like they were wearing
snowshoes. Just dump it.”
Cindy went home and
thanked her fairy godmother for a lovely evening. A couple of years later
she said goodbye to Mommy Dearest, Piggy and Warty and moved to the Pacific
Northwest where she discovered a tribe of Sasquatch (also known as
Bigfoot), was made their queen and lived happily ever after.
