James Breakwell tweets under the name of XplodingUnicorn. Following are examples of his June & July tweets this year. I culled a lot of them out but it was hard to pick the best ones. I think/hope you'll enjoy these:
- Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean. 8-year-old: Who's coming over? Me: No one. We're cleaning for us. 8: But we already know we live like this.
- 8-year-old: Do Vulcans ever get angry? Me: No. 8: They must not have sisters.
- 8-year-old: I can't wait to be an astronaut. Me: Why? 8: There's no mosquitoes in space.
- [as we all leave the house] 6-year-old: I want to stay home. Me: You can't watch yourself. 6: I'll use a mirror.
- Me: Did you know people only use half their brains? 6-year-old: Maybe boys.
- [walking to the car] 4-year-old: *stops to fix her shoe* Wait for me. 2-year-old: We can leave her.
- Me: Find your shoes. 4-year-old: They're gone forever. Me: Where did you look? 4: Nowhere. Good start.
- 6-year-old: Why don't girls grow beards? Me: They can't. 6: We can do anything we want.
- 6-year-old: I don’t like what you’re making for lunch. Me: I haven’t told you what I’m making for lunch. 6: You don’t have to.
- 6-year-old: I don't like our backyard. Me: Why not? 6: It's outside.
- 6-year-old: What's for dinner? Me: Chicken tacos. 6: What's for dinner next door?
- Me: Be good. 8-year-old: That's too much work.
- 2-year-old: The dog ate my toast! Me: How did he get it? 2: I gave it to him.
- 4-year-old: *wakes me up standing six inches from my face* Is it time to get up yet? Me: No. 4: I'll stand here till it is.
- [gets hit in the head by a ball] 4-year-old: Hey! That's where I keep my brain.
- 8-year-old: Can we go swimming? Me: It's raining. 8: Are you worried we'll get wet?
- 4-year-old: *carefully prepares to jump the six inches from the open van door to the ground* Me: Just jump. 4: There's no parachute.
- Wife: *crying at a sad movie* 6-year-old: I hope your makeup doesn't fall off.
- 6-year-old: The rain stopped! The rain stopped! The rain stopped! Me: Do you want to play outside? 6: No.
- 6-year-old: Why is it still raining?! Me: Do you have things to do outside? 6: No. I just like options.
- 2-year-old: I'm out of poop. Me: I'm sorry? 2: I'll make more soon.
- [swimming] Me: What's wrong? 2-year-old: I'm wet.
- Me: Want to hang out? 6-year-old: I have plans. Me: To do what? 6: Not that.
- 4-year-old: *fills her pockets with rocks* Me: Why? 4: Someone left them on the ground.
- 4-year-old: Can I be the first person on Mars? Me: You sure can. 4: *gets my car keys* I didn't mean right now.
- 4-year-old: Can I have ice cream? Me: Why didn’t you finish your dinner? 4: Dinner wasn’t ice cream. Touché.
- Me: Do you want to wear a dress? 4-year-old: No. Me: Shorts? 4: No. Me: Capris? 4: No. Me: Pants? 4: No. Me: There are no other options. 4: *goes back to bed*
- Me: *slices an apple* 4-year-old: No! Me: What? 4: Unslice it. I need Scotch Tape. Or just scotch.
- I told my 6-year-old it was too much work to have a water balloon fight. She offered to split it with me: I'll fill them up, and she'll throw them at me. I better get my towel.
- Me: You’re four. You get four candles. 4-year-old: I get four cakes.
- [at the pool] Me: Do you think you could ever be a lifeguard? 6-year-old: I don't want to fight sharks.
- [wearing her Supergirl costume] 2-year-old: I can fly! Me: Yeah. 2: But only down. Sounds like she's falling. With style.
- Me: Where do you want to go for your birthday? 3-year-old: Cancun. Me: I was thinking more like McDonald's.
- [finishes her milk] 3-year-old: I’M THE BEST AT DRINKING. She’ll be fun in college.
----fishducky
