Friday, October 5, 2018


At least I cook better than Homer Simpson!!

(A reworked post from 2015)

(Disclaimer: I CAN cook, but I don’t much, any more.  I cooked for my family for many years & even threw a lot of dinner parties.  For Christmas & Thanksgiving we used to have dinner for up to 50 people.  I just got tired of it.  Now, on the rare occasions when I DO cook, I make a roasting pan full of chili or 2 or 3 pot roasts or briskets & freeze them in individual servings, so we can still have some home cooked meals.)

When we were first married, Bud was in the Army & we lived in a tiny house off the post.  We had invited some friends for dinner & I decided to make my first peach pie.  It came out runny--too runny to be a pie but not loose enough to be a cobbler.  We told them it was a “peach piebler”.  They thought it was delicious!! Around this same time, I called my mom--& you have to realize that neither she or I made very many long distance calls because they were expensive, but wrote letters, instead.  She was concerned that maybe Bud or I was ill, or that we were having marital problems.  It was much more serious than that--I needed her recipe for chopped liver!!

When we first bought our condo on Maui, my sister-in-law, Natalie, & her 3 kids came out to stay with us & our 3 kids.  I don’t know if you’re familiar with Hawaiian prices, but our grocery bill was enormous!  Nat was going over the grocery shopping list that Bud had made & saw either “ice cream” or “candy”--I can't remember which.  We were amazed when she said, in all seriousness, “Don’t buy that; the kids will just eat it!"

After our daughter, Nameless, moved into an apartment, she stopped at our house to pick up some things from the freezer because she said she missed my cooking.  I can understand that, but can you tell me why her loot also included a couple of cans of tuna & a jar of mayonnaise?

I am not now, nor have I ever been, a cheap date.  I have no aversion to ordering a very expensive meal; in fact, Bud claims that’s what I look for.  We were at a high end restaurant & I must have looked puzzled, because he asked me what was wrong.  I told him, “I’m upset; I don’t like the most expensive thing on the menu!!”

We were travelling with our friends, Joe & Helen, in Thailand & went to dinner in the penthouse restaurant of our hotel.  The maĆ®tre d’ seated us & handed each of us a menu.  He returned in a couple of minutes & very apologetically took my menu & Helen’s away & gave us new ones.  We couldn’t understand why until Joe explained it.  We had originally been given “host” menus--with prices--instead of “guest” menus--with no prices.  Neither Helen nor I had noticed there were prices on ours!!

Some jokes for those of my faith:

Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish American Princesses?
A: "Is anything OK?"

Q: How do Jewish American Princesses get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.

The Jewish American Princess Recipe Book
Chapter One . . . . . . . . . . How to Make Reservations

Did you hear about the Jewish family who kept such a kosher home that they had two smoke detectors in their kitchen?

Pierre, Claudio & Moishe have all been tried & sentenced to death. Their time is up & they are asked what they would like for their last meal.
Pierre asks for a chateaubriand, asparagus with hollandaise & a bottle of Dom Perignon.  He gets it, finishes it & is executed.
Claudio tells the guards he would like veal parmigiana with angel hair pasta cooked al dente, an assortment of fresh fruits & cheese & a bottle of chianti.  He gets it, eats & he, too, is executed
Moishe says, "I'm a simple man with simple tastes.  All I want is a bowl of strawberries."
The guards tell him strawberries aren't in season.
"Nu," says Moishe, "So I'll wait."

And some for everyone:

The best way to avoid kitchen odors: eat out!!--Phyllis Diller 

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction; I get to the end & say to myself, “Well, that’s not going to happen.” --Rita Rudner

How come when you mix flour & water together you get glue--& then you add eggs & sugar & you get cake?  Where does the glue go? --Rita Rudner

My husband says that I feed him like a god--every meal is a burnt offering. --Rhonda Hansome

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf & apple pie.”
Husband: “Which is this?”

What did the cannibal order at the Italian restaurant?
A pizza with everyone on it.

A couple, well into their 80's, are in a restaurant.  The man orders a dinner for himself, but nothing for his wife.  He eats his meal while she just sits there, watching him.  He finishes eating, wipes his mouth with his napkin & pushes his plate away.  It is still half full of food.  The man at the next table has been watching the whole thing.  He assumes that they can't afford two dinners so he generously says to the wife, "Excuse me, but I would love to treat you to a dinner."  She says, "That's very kind of you, but totally unnecessary.  I'll have my dinner in a minute.  My husband & I are sharing this dinner.  As a matter of fact, we share everything 50/50." He asks, "What are you waiting for?"  She says, "The teeth!"

This little girl is eating a raw onion.
I have no idea why.

Feel free to gorge yourself on the extra cartoons:

Did you know food could be funny?

If we're not supposed to have midnight snacks, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?----fishducky